20090418
much needed.
No one really reads my blogs but this is not for the pleasure of other eyes, its to help me get it out. First of all, karma is a true thing and it is affecting me in the biggest way I know how, through my heart. I was not always a good girl but when it came to relationships I tried. Yes everyone makes mistakes but I see mine are too big to solve with just a sorry. I've taken other peoples love and heart and treat it like I didn't care or actually didn't. I can't blame anyone but myself for this karma effect. It has shown that love may never fully exist due to my stupid decisions for myself. The second male I'm truely in love with, doesn't feel the same and isn't with me only in a physical and emotional aspect. And it makes me treasure the time I was able to actually spend with my first true love.1-22-08 will forever be a day embedded in my heart and mind. I need to better myself and stop looking for a man to validate all the beautiful things about me. I am a beautiful person, physically and otherwise, I need to remember that. My confidence and self esteem should never base itself on the way someone else thinks about me. I have decided the one thing I want for my birthday, and it's for 3 out of the 4 people that I truly love in my life to meet so that I can tell them my feelings, thoughts and show my appreciation.. This is so hard.
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Everyone makes mistakes Nari. I've fucked every realtionship I have ever been. Every single one has been killed by me and I think that has to be some sort of record. I'm manipulative and sometimes I really believe that I'm heartless, well atleast in the moment. I think back on shit that I've done and i feel like a monster, which i hope in some sense means that I'm not one. The other main point of your post was finding your worth not in the eyes of others. I struggle with that too. Everyone bases alot of what they think about themselves with regard to what other people think. I know I do and I always will, it's human nature. The important thing is to make sure the people who's opinion's you care about are the people YOU care about. That's all that's important. I think that's all I can say. I hope it helps.
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